Entitlement

When I was growing up, I always saw my parents as the ideal goal. Not super wealthy, but not poor, a nice small cozy house in a kid-friendly neighborhood that wasn’t too far away from the downtown core.

I never really saw my dad do much work, even when I went to visit him at his office, it was filled with crazy powerful computers and projectors that ran super advanced helicopter simulators, and it just seemed like he played all day.

I always assumed that as you grew up, you got a sportscar, fell in love in your twenties, got married, had kids, and life fit itself together so long as you were willing to let it sweep you along.

However, as my life as a young adult got started, I fell off the rails. I dropped out of university, discovered drugs, and started partying. I lost my first love by being foolish and selfish, and chased my happiness away by avoiding work, responsibilities, and life in general.

Nothing happened on it’s own.. at least nothing good, or nothing with long term happiness.live-your-life-like-nobodys-watching

I was sick of being bitter and jaded. I wanted to open my eyes, but I didn’t know where to start.

So I took one step. I reached out. I knew I couldn’t do it on my own, because I’d lost myself. Entirely.

I went to rehab. Cleaned myself up. Then I got a job, and stuck it out as best I could. I stumbled a few times, but I always got back up. Then I quit smoking. Life continued happening, but I wrote the undercurrent of what I wanted to happen. I discovered paleo, and lost 60 pounds over the next year. Quit drinking. Found Buddhism, Zen, sitting.. and then something I wasn’t even looking for.

I found myself.

I sit here, in my mid 30’s with tears welling in my eyes, reading what I’m typing, and absorbing my progress. I’m amazed at my inner strength and resolve.

I often forget where I came from, and what I’ve accomplished. This isn’t a sob story of anyone other than myself. This blog has always existed primarily for my own growth.. if anyone else gets anything from it, that’s always a great side effect, but still not as important as my own evolution.

I started this post to reflect back on what I thought life was going to be when I was young, to figure out where I might have lost my way..

But now I realize that I’m growing into feeling confident as to where I am right now. I’m where I’m supposed to be, and I’m OK with that.

Every morning my life begins again, every breath is a reminder that I’m alive, and that anything is possible.

Thanks for this post. Can I like and reblog my own stuff without being too pretentious?

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2 thoughts on “Entitlement

  1. Pingback: Adulthood | humblepie: technology and meditation

  2. Pingback: The Demise of Guys | humblepie: technology and meditation

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