Struggling to balance

Since mid summer, I’ve been scrabbling on an ever-steepening surface. Much less able to climb higher in my pursuits of meditation, happiness, and overall well-being, staying neutral has been a challenge

As I slipped downwards, I stopped reaching out for help. This slide into darkness is familiar to me. Comfortable. And though I have not reached out for my old vices, I have embraced new ones, cruel and vicious, tearing me apart mentally and emotionally. I feel weary that no matter what demons I strike down.. This Devil I carry on my BackDrugs, tobacco, booze.. there’s plenty more waiting in the wings to jump on my back, dragging me back down.

For months I’ve avoided sharing, desperate to keep my blog on an even keel, adamant that I’m “ok”, and still mentally stable enough to share my philosophies.. days became weeks, months..

And I’m not only no better. I’m much, much worse. And admitting this lets me take ownership. Lets me strike down the stigma that exists more in my own mind than it does in those reading this.

The last couple days at work, I’ve been sick of technology. ¬†Phones that are essentially mini computers, logged into dozens of accounts that fill my notification bar with scores of messages and virtual “shoulder taps”

I spend time setting them up with minimal interfaces, customizing them, and then watch, flummoxed, as they collapse into piles of confusion, alerts unchecked, apps unused, one time waster replaced with another.

Today, I took my SIM card out of my phone, and put it into an old Nokia. No keyboard. just a slider with a number pad. ¬†Sure, it has an email account on it, but I’m not so enamored to reply when it takes 5 minutes to type a single sentence. Same goes for texting.

From now on, I’ll pick up the phone and call someone back. I’ll answer email on my laptop.

This Nokia was filled with old music from over 5 years ago. Esbjorn Svensson Trio. My favorite jazz band back in the day. I was enamoured by these guys.. Listened non stop.. got tickets for myself and all my family to go and see them… and only days before the show, the pianist, the core of the group… dies in a diving accident.. Shocked.. I stopped listening altogether, numb with the frailty, the impermanence of our presence on the planet

It’s been 3 hours, and I’m drinking it all in again.. The smooth basslines, the piano chords slamming into my ears. Full of life. Full of potential. Life after death. I can taste his passion.

give-up

I can do this. I know I can.

If I keep reminding myself, I can move forwards. Every breath is one less that I have left. Every minute wasted cannot be reclaimed. No sense in wallowing in the past, no sense in dreaming for the future.

All we have is now. All *I* have is now.

Determination is key. Don’t give up. You’re better than this. Strive. Move. Breathe. Live.

————–

Thanks to Saif for his wonderful depiction of the devil on my back

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