Recognition and Value

I’ve got about ten days left until this cast comes off, and then I can enjoy the burgeoning springtime.. I’ve been re-prioritizing my time, figuring out how I can live more authentically once I’m mobile again.

One thing I’ve identified in myself is this need to be known, recognized. At first I attributed this to some sort of lifetime accomplishment that would allow me to live on posthumously, but now I realize it’s much more basic, and dwells somewhere much less grandiose: recognition from others. Not for anything in particular, just for me to have some sort of value to other people – to be relied on or needed in some regard.

Naturally, we all have a little of this built-in: as humans we share social spaces, living spaces, work spaces.. Unless we hermit ourselves in the forest and chop wood for a living (namely our living.. in Ontario you’d freeze to death otherwise!), we can’t really escape this requirement to “need” other people – But I’m referring to a deeper recognition. The value that others attach to our worth as individuals. Whether it’s feedback from our peers at work, management telling us we’re indispensable, or our friends and loved ones telling us how awesome we are as people – it’s normal to enjoy this attention, but sometimes I find that without this, I have less inherent worth. Now this only really rears it’s head in any severity if I’m travelling through a stint of depression, but for me, who is regularly in a state of general malaise, that destination is always one short stop away from any current location.

The “aha” moment came to me when I read this quote by Harbhajan Singh Yogi:

Now while this quote doesn’t directly pinpoint the question at hand, as it deals with the reaction of others as their issues versus those of our own worth, I ended up resonating as if I was the other person – Not only that, but I immediately assumed the behavior in question was poor in nature – I was the one who was troubled, and perhaps projecting that state of disturbance onto others.

Instantly concluding that the quote referred to someone reacting negatively towards me is one thing, but actually identifying as that person who’s behaving badly is one further step towards the realization that my internal value scales are well out of alignment when weighing my self value.

I’ve known in the past that poor self confidence has been a struggle for me, but I’m constantly amazed at the number of paths and ways that I end up back at this same conclusion. Sure, it’s easy and “obvious” to see the value is self-respect, but for many, changing this value from a 0 to a 1 isn’t all that simple as it is in binary terms.

On a journey from black to white, expect there to be plenty of grey: change doesn’t happen overnight, and a small setback can’t become the unforgettable pea under the mattress.. it’s just a bump in the road. As long as self-worth becomes the cornerstone, a non-negotiable priority in all situations, positive change will manifest.

Conscious vs Unconscious – Active Existence

At the end of February, I broke my ankle. It was a bad break, and it has left me to run my empire from the couch. One thing it has rather painfully reminded me of is that we cannot take anything for granted: our mobility, our independence, can be whisked away at a moment’s notice.

This also prompted me to re-evaluate conscious existence: how much of your day passes without creating any sort of meaningful memories? How often do you find yourself daydreaming, or in autopilot? How many hours are your thoughts racing without any result or direction?

Don’t panic if you often find large chunks of your day disappear without much conscious involvement. It’s actually so common that it’s considered normal. We always seek some sort of “break” from our mundane, day-in, day-out activities – some sort of distraction. Yet the departure we seek is often unreachable, or rather the state of relaxation and peace we seek feels unsatisfying. This is because we are looking to escape..from escape.

You can’t escape a life that you aren’t consciously  engaged in. Without active living there’s no escape.. but what you’ll find, if you grab life head on, that suddenly you don’t want to run away.. because you know those little moments? When you pour a fresh cup of coffee, the steam swirling a pungent cloud into your nostrils, when you hear the first few notes of a song from your rebellious youth, when you bite into a fresh croissant as you walk from one meeting to the next? That’s what makes life worth living, makes existence so sweet. And why would you want to run away from those?

So, as you go about your daily schedule today, start consciously  appreciating the small things. Even if you have to book an appointment with yourself.. Try sitting on a park bench, closing your eyes, opening your ears, your nose, and live within that moment. It might take a few repeat sessions, but you’ll get hooked on life – I promise.

1,2,3 Rule

There’s so many tasks that we procrastinate on, that we pass by to do “later”. I recently read an article about something called the “1,2, 3” rule, and as I absorbed it’s instructions, I found it to be pretty silly.

The basic premise is that when one of those simple chores pops up, one we’d normally dismiss, instead of procrastinating, instead of making an excuse, we vocalize the phrase “1, 2, 3, Go!” and then do it.

See? Sounds pretty silly. But it’s simple enough that I figured I’d at least give it a shot.

You know what? It works. Since implementing the rule, the trash gets taken out on time, the puppy hair gets swept before it’s clustered in nests around the table legs, and the coffee grounds don’t have time to pile up on the espresso machine.

I think the effectiveness is connected with the habit – becoming aware of when we are procrastinating on a task is the hinge to birthing the 1,2,3 habit. Vocalizing it gears us up, mentally, to get it started. And since it’s such a small thing, it’s completed before we get distracted.

Lazy Sundays (it’s even raining here today!) are an idea time to relax on the couch, watch a movie, and veg out. When you’re heading to the kitchen to grab a snack, keep your eyes open for a quick chore you might have been putting off, and 1, 2, 3, get it done. Netflix will wait for your return

Routine and Habit: Fan the Flames

Way back in August 2013, I wrote a post about how routine was similar to armor, and have referred back to it in a number of more recent posts. When writing this article, I discovered that it had never been published: sitting as a draft for the last 2 years! Suffice to say it is now live, along with the video content I shot at the time.

Over the last couple years, I’ve come to appreciate the power and vitality of what routine provides. It is essentially the building block of what creates good habits, and it’s often difficult to try and understand just exactly what the differences are.

You need a routine, in order to build a habit. But you can’t have habits, without proper routines. Now a habit is something you do unconsciously, whereas routine is something you pay attention to. A habit can be good or bad: usually the more effortless ones tend to be a bit more self destructive or self indulgent – It’s easy to fall into the habit of having some chocolate after each meal : the habit is also a reward, and that reward (sugar) is pretty darn easy to convince ourselves to include on a regular basis! The routine of the chocolate becomes an easy, mindless habit.

Did you catch what I just said there? Obviously the important word here is mindless, and it’s also the key to unlocking the power of productive and healthy, positive routines – those that will birth habits we can be proud of. By being mindful instead, by living in the moment of each action or thought we want to turn into routine, into habit, we activate the inspiration that sparked our desire for conscious change in the first place: It sets the match to the fuel.

Let’s take a look at some tools and techniques to set ourselves up for success. Naturally, it’s repetition that leads to progress: the more often we repeat something, the easier it “sticks” – and the more out of place we feel when we don’t do it. This has been realized and implemented as “gamification” by a number of different companies and tools, where rewards as “badges”, virtual “trophies” and other such marks of distinction are awarded to those who show dedication and time vested in something that requires focus and careful patience/dedication. So we understand that repetition is important for making routines into habits, and apps like Rewire replace those huge wall calendars we’re familiar seeing in movies: the ones where the protagonist marks huge “X’s” on each day as things progress. The apps work well because they let you mark more than one “X” every day for subgoals.

So now we understand a bit more as to how to differentiate between routines and habits, how they are integrated, but also how to set ourselves up for success.

What spurs your desires to change? How can you set yourself up to success versus falling into old, easy habits?

Letting It In

Anyone who has made a conscious effort to improve themselves knows it’s an incredibly tough fight. We all understand that the exertion is what makes the progress and milestones that much more satisfying: it’s an uphill battle against convenience, against a society that, as a whole, tries to reduce the work we have to do to live our lives, to make things EASIER.

Since this only  serves to make our resolve that much easier to break, it can be exhausting to tread the dogged path towards success. Often we are our own worst enemies, beating ourselves up for eating that slice of pizza, for not lifting enough at the gym, for not getting an assignment or piece of work done on time.

We set up walls to protect ourselves, routines to ease our path, like armor we strap on every day, the habit is what keeps us strong, and keeps us protected. There’s additional comfort in learning more about ourselves, where we are weakest, strongest, how to continue to rely on the only person who has been with us through the fight: ourselves.

What I’m saying here is that it’s easy to get bogged down in the monotony, tripped up by our own rules, to drown in our own resolve.. So just like you opened yourself up to the possibility of change, so, too, must you remember what it’s like to smile. To dance like no one’s watching, to take a chance on new friends, new opportunities.. to let in the love, happiness, and joy.

It’s in the cracks between everything: it’s the masonry that holds it all together. It’s OK to forgive yourself, and it’s OK to be vulnerable, and it’s even OK to get hurt again. You can’t block everything that’s bad, and expect to only encounter pure positives. As Ehssan said “Life is like a piano; the white keys represent happiness and the black show sadness. But as you go through life’s journey, remember that the black keys also create music.” ― The good and bad are equally cyclical: it’s our perspectives on them that define their severity. By letting in the light, we remember what it’s like to be human again – to hope.

Analog Lifestyle – Part I: Analog Bedroom

I’ve noticed a habit that’s slowly gotten worse.. Lying on my bed around the time I should be going to sleep, but interacting with my phone for (sometimes) hours after I should have closed my eyes.. This not only leads to groggy mornings, but to grab my device as the first thing I do when I awaken.

It’s a cascade of bad habits, all stemming from the casual use, then dependence, on digital devices to provide some sort of structure. That’s the thing about structure: it’s an amalgamation of habits (both bad and good) that creates a framework for the day. It only makes sense that one bad habit begets the next, and before you know it, your entire schedule is rife with unhealthy behavior.

The end of one day is the starting of the next. It’s a cyclical process. You often hear the phrase “Tomorrow is a new day, a fresh start”.. The promise of a clean slate is appealing, but for me it starts in how you end the day before. Removing dependence on digital devices at least an hour before sleep: cutting out “screen time” (as a friend of mine coined it when referring to how her kids consume digital content) lets your body start to naturally slow down – bright lights from displays (TV’s, phones, laptops, etc) all interrupt our circadian rhythms and disrupt our bodies from falling asleep when they need to.

If you’re someone who is on a device “for work” or are having difficulty with the sudden eradication of devices so abruptly before bed, try installing flux, available free of charge for PC/Mac, Twilight for Android devices, and jail-broken iOS mobiles, all of which “warm” the color profile of your displays, letting your body get tired naturally: mimicking sunset.
I rarely watch much TV, as I haven’t had cable since 1996, so there’s not much self control needed in regards to taking my flat screen out of my bedroom, however, I do now charge my phone downstairs in the living room, and have banished my Kindle to daylight hours, eschewing the convenience for the handful of regular books that I haven’t yet read. I’m on the lookout for a decent analog alarm clock: one that’s battery powered is fine, but I’d prefer actual hands versus a digital display: if you can recommend one, leave me a comment.

I’ve also set an alarm on my phone, but it’s not to help me wake up.. (I actually only have an alarm clock as backup: 90% of the mornings, I wake up before it sounds) Instead, it’s to alert me to a permission to start using my phone again. It lets me enjoy my mornings, unfettered.. Have a walk with Lucas, a cup of tea, go through my planner.. frame the day before I see what’s in store.

It’s been a couple nights, but I’m already asleep by 11 and awake by 5:30 – a behavior I haven’t seen in about 3 or 4 years – and honestly? It’s great to be back.

Offering Help vs Offering to Help

I’ve noticed a bit of a pattern in my own life, and how I frequently offer advice or help unasked. When friends, family, or others choose to open up, or to vent about something that is bothersome in their lives, I seem to see it as an opportunity to provide solutions.

A few friends have called me out on this, but it’s gone fairly unabated until recently, when I chose to not help a moth that was fluttering, struggling, with wet wings outside my apartment. I realized that the assistance might actually hinder, or create further problems with its wings.

Choosing to let others’ paths and lives unfold as they would, unaided or unaffected by my own influence is empowering and eye opening. In fact, it only further lessens my social anxiety and need to feel like I “fit in”. By letting others live their own lives, I am free to live my own, unfettered by their judgement or perspectives. I see it as boats in a stream.. we all idly float by each other, and choosing not to cause ripples at a strangers bow only further lets me focus on what’s ahead of my own boat.

Conversely, I want to defend and strength this philosophy. Naturally it’s not absolute. There’s still space to offer to provide advice or help without actually doing so. It shows willingness and compassion: just don’t be insulted if you’re rebuffed. You also should be wary about re-extending the assistance on the same/similar topics. Even if your friend or loved one chooses to stumble and fall over the same obstacle repeatedly, all you can do is to be there to help pick them up when they open up.

Belief: In yourself, your Dreams

People often harp on their continual search for the “motivation” they need to get started on whatever difficult tasks they have been procrastinating. It’s a little bizarre how this requirement for motivation is not only seen as the holy grail for conquering difficult or unwanted (yet necessary) tasks, but also common as an excuse for not taking the first steps towards not starting a new hobby or for realizing a lifelong dream.

To further define this behavior, it’s well documented that while motivation might indeed provide some sort of impetus to get started, it’s ensuring that well designed habits are ready to put into place to continue to fuel the path towards completion.

I have something further to add to this discussion, and that’s the importance, power, and requirement of belief.  I’ll go so far as to stipulate that it’s belief that is not only the precursor to motivation, but an essential additive that continues to increase the effectiveness of habits to continue our drive towards success and happiness.

Belief provides us with the confidence that what we want to achieve is, in fact, not only possible, but attainable. It allows us to see the value in hard work, the meditation in preparation, and creates an almost palpable, tactile desire to create the energy to keep moving forwards. Want an example? Think about something you’re already good at. Something you might even take for granted as so effortless that it comes as second nature. Got it? Ok. Now remember the last time it was called into play: when you were “called up to the plate” to either lead a group along with a task that you were uniquely qualified to spearhead, or even a when you were talking to someone about it and realized they were hanging onto every word. The passion you conveyed by your confidence and sheer unassuming knowledge and comfort in this area was inherently, if subconsciously, fueled by the unequivocal belief you had in yourself.

Now. Imagine something you know almost nothing about. Try to choose something that you have interest in, perhaps even have Googled a few times to try to understand. Imagine you could master it with the same level of comfort and ease of the previous example. No matter what this new desire is.. the only thing that’s standing in your way is your belief that you can achieve it. That’s right: this belief will let you visualize your goal, motivate the first step, generate the habits you need.. everything will fall into place: this belief in yourself will extinguish the fear that is stopping you from achieving success.

Let that sink in for a moment. The one thing standing between you and success is the belief in yourself.

But the best is yet to come… Belief isn’t as difficult to attain as some of the other obstacles you have in your life. Belief is something that can be it’s own habit.. Belief is something that should be practiced daily: Every morning, make a mantra out of your dreams and desires.. Tell yourself that you believe in yourself, and in your ability to make them happen. The very process of belief will banish the demons of doubt and fear – they cannot exist within such a sphere of positivity and self-assurance.

Naysayers: How to handle negative influences in our life

Now, hang on, before you all lynch me for addressing what you might think is an obvious answer, there are plenty of reasons “Just cutting them out” isn’t the easiest option, or even viable.

I always worry that I won’t have enough things to talk about here, but topics seem to not only drop into my lap – they actually contribute to a unifying theme over a few days, giving me ample time and ammunition to construct a pretty cohesive post: as well as allowing me the time for my pertinent perspective to congeal quite nicely.

That said, I had a conversation with a wonderful new friend yesterday on this very topic, then this morning had a relevant online chat with someone who’d fall quite nicely into the “naysayer” category… So since I’ve had a couple days to think about this, let’s define where we stand.

For me, a naysayer is, at their core, someone who dwells in the negative during any interaction I have with them. This allows room for those who either cannot stop thinking about how dissatisfied they are with their own lives, but also those who feel the need to judge me on how I lead mine. Don’t get me wrong, friends who are blunt with me and expose me to see some of my own “less than desirable” habits or behaviors are immensely helpful: as long as their perspective and advice comes from a trusted and loving place! Instead I refer to those who only speak ill, as if their way of seeing a situation is the only way that’s acceptable.

You’re going to laugh now, because the advice is, obviously, simple. You need to reduce or eliminate these interactions, and how you choose to do so is where the intricacies lie.

So if they’re an acquaintance and there’s no “love lost” between you, telling them to get bent or get stuffed (choose whatever colloquialism matches your country of origin or abode) is short and simple. Depending on how you interact, you can end your relationship in one of two ways. If you only chat in the virtual sphere, either ignoring their messages or blocking them from your lists is a great non-confrontational technique. This is similar to receiving unwanted advances from someone on a dating website: ignoring/not replying to a message has the same effect as responding to them telling them you aren’t interested, while sidestepping your actual reasoning.. It lets them form their own reason, versus you having to uncomfortably tell them that you aren’t attracted to them, or something they might find equally insulting. Skipping that whole interaction is often easiest, especially if you haven’t studied conflict resolution.. Inevitably if you give your real reasoning, a counter message will follow. Be prepared!

What if they are a close friend, or a family member? The former can be treated as above, but with an even softer, cuddlier variant of kid gloves. If it’s family, and breaking all ties is (usually) not an option, honesty of some variety is the only recourse if you want to change the dynamic. I’ll link the “Aikido in Everyday Life” book again here, please ignore the poor Google reviews: while some of the situations and names used as examples show the age of this “manual”, the techniques are not only still sound, but incredibly efficient in their effectiveness. Basically, knowing how to present your feelings and standpoint on how the other person makes you feel doesn’t have to be communicated in a way where there’s a clear “winner” and “loser” in each conversation. The book does a far better way of describing these techniques than I do, and I won’t try to do them any justice in replicating them here. Even if this particular post doesn’t apply to you, the book is still a wonderful read for anyone who deals with potential verbal conflict in their lives. Aka, everyone!

In my situation, as far as the old friend I chatted with this morning, it was far easier to just choose to cease initiating or responding to attempts at conversations. Not that it’s easy – in fact, it’s a little painful, but it’s less hurtful to both parties with this particular flavor of history that I’d rather not dredge up or revisit that time in my life: I’ve made such vehement, severe efforts to leave it far behind and move on, whereas that circle that I have extricated myself from (in my perspective) hasn’t grown in the direction that has become pillars supporting the strongest core principles in my life. I won’t say that I haven’t tried to make our tentative friendship work over the last few tumultuous years, but each time we conversed, old behaviors surfaced on both sides, perhaps out of previous paradigms of comfort. Once we’d part ways, I’d head home and “stinkin’ thinkin’ ” would pervade my mental headspace, often for days, as I’d try to process and eliminate these previous past thoughts from my thoughts. No more. It’s far healthier for me to move on alone in this situation, and only wish the best for this old friend.. I wish him well and hope that he’s able to wade through the waters to the comfort of personal resolution on his own.

Video discussion below:

Cluttered Space / Cluttered Mind

I’ve been bad with the whole regularity thing in my past, and I still struggle daily with the process. When I had a full time job working for the man, despite my general malaise, at least I had a structure that was imposed upon me, and I could fit the rest of my own life within the crack, making a nice comfortable padding.

Now that I am responsible for everything,  it is only more important that I prioritize a routine that extols healthy habits: physical, mental and psychological are equally essential. That healthy mindspace has its root in the physical realm: comfort and familiarity are bred from a well organized living and working environment.

The apartment in which I call home (and my office) was an emergency choice – I needed to get out of my previous unhealthy space, and did not have much time to search.. It’s pretty awesome, but way too big, and way too expensive for me as a longer term solution.  I think I’ve moved every couple years for the last decade: comfort in my inhabited space often seems to elude me.. whether I convince myself that I need a room mate, or to live on my own.. this basement is too dark, or this other apartment is too big.. Excuses are everywhere..

I’ve always found myself attracted to smaller multi-use spaces.. Perhaps it’s because I’ve been on my own for the better part of the last decade, but my space is very much my own, and how I inhabit/am comfortable in it rarely involves making it somewhere that’s ideal to share with a friend or for general socialization… I find that the more space I have available, the more I will find things to fill it up.. The older I get, the less “knick knacks” I own.. But the cleaner my space, the less non-essentials I have “cluttering” my space, then the more relaxed I feel.. If I forget where I put my keys, and they aren’t in their “home”, the less surfaces I have, and the less things those surfaces are adorned with, the easier it is to find them.

The image below is a bit amusing to me, as it details how to declutter one’s life.. yet the graphic itself is a mess, a veritable tangled maze of color, suggestions, and ideas.. Yet it does have plenty of merit. Part of organizational habit is making sure to take decisive permanent action every day to create a space and a system that works for you and your unique needs/situation; the other part is ensuring to divest time every day to keeping your space clean.. Sweeping for 10 minutes a day, washing dishes as they are used.. Not putting anything off. Decluttering is as much about avoiding adding new chaos as it is about stripping existing anomalies away!